Life Lessons
by purplefishcake
Summary: Phoenix remembers the life lessons he learnt from Maya and Pearl.. Seven years ago.


Phoenix sat down on whatever was left of his desk. It had been seven years since he had sit here and seven long years of pity for himself for not knowing about the false evidence. For distancing himself from all his friends. For becoming a creepy hobo.

Phoenix went through all his old case files and pictured what it was like be an ace lawyer… With an ace sidekick.

His thoughts suddenly turned to his childish assistant. He could remember all those times when she had gotten herself in danger and all those times when he had to save her. He remembered having to pay bail for her all the time and all the times she had helped him out and all the times when her childishness had cheered him up.

His thoughts went back to that day. The day when his mentor was murdered. It had been over seven years ago but he could still remember everything. All her dead features, every speck of blood on her, her dead expression, the smell of blood. It was there and then he had met his mentor's sister. His future assistant.

In all the years he had been with Maya, he had learnt a few life lessons.

**Food is the root of all evil.**

Phoenix learnt that from his constant trips to the burger joint with Maya. She would happily sit down on a chair opposite him after ordering tons and tons of food. He would have to pay later, but it didn't seem so bad at present. He couldn't remember why he was so angry about all the bills she sent him. Oh right, it was because of her, he was now broke.

After finishing her plate and sharing a few fries with Phoenix, she would then smile a big smile and it was then Phoenix would be cautious of her. She would always tell him to pay for all the food. If he refused, she would get her dear cousin to force him to do all childish and embarrassing things known to man in public. Maya would record all those things and use them as blackmail material. But after a month or two, she became tired of that.

After that, she would run and scream, saying that I was an evil pedophile trying to make her pay for all the food he ate. Angry customers who felt her pain made him pay.

If that didn't work, she would report him to Detective Gumshoe and he would arrest him and he would have to pay bail. Paying bail was a whole lot cheaper than paying for the food, but prosecutors would always use that against him in court.

**When in pain, don't say anything.**

He could remember all those times when she had caused him pain, whether it was physically or emotionally. He could remember her pinning him to the floor, using real pins, trying to cheer him up… Somehow. Everything he yelled, she would laugh and continue doing everything from the beginning. Often, she would stop and smile at him as if to say "This is only the beginning. You tell the cops, you die." It was great practice for whenever he had been kidnapped by some random hippie or whenever he was at the point of death. It was because of her constant torture that he managed to survive the fall from the bridge and the strong currents of Eagle River.

He should thank her for that, but once, he did try. As soon as the word of thanks escaped his mouth, evil glinted in her eyes and her tortures would become worse.

**Dancing does not change anything. It only makes things worse.**

He remembered trying to distract Maya once. Before she shot an arrow at him, he danced the caramelldansen (1). She indeed stopped, but as soon as she realized what he was trying to do, she got a gun out of her pocket (who knew acolyte clothing had pockets in it) and shot him through the stomach. She called the ambulance.

The nurses and doctors took both Maya and I inside the ambulance and raced us off to the nearest hospital after having a short conversation with a few witnesses.

For some reason, they prioritized her instead of him, saying that they pitied her for watching horrible dancing from a handsome spiky-haired man. Well, they didn't say handsome, but he _knew_ they were thinking it.

He nearly bled to death.

**When having friends over, include Maya in the conversation but never talk about burgers.**

"Hiyas, Nick!" Larry shouted.

Phoenix remembered Maya sitting quietly in the corner, giving him death glares. He tried to include her in the conversation. Somehow, the topic from law turned to avocados and then to flying printers and then to burgers and finally to him treating them to burgers. He refused and the next thing he knew, he was roped to a stake and was carried by Larry and Maya to the most expensive burger joint.

They ate as much as they wanted and gave him some food as well, but since, his hands were tied up, he couldn't eat. They got hold of his wallet and over paid the cashier lady.

The people in that place had been super nice to them ever since.

Ever since then whenever Phoenix tried to dodge a conversation, she somehow brings it up.

**To live, never let Pearls watch educational movies.**

Pearl had never really liked monkeys, but she had to admit that she liked to think about experiments to make monkeys less weird and cuter.

One way, was to make them fly.

Phoenix had a not-so-fond memory of her trying to make him jump off a cliff to learn to fly. She said that according to Charles Darwin, humans originated from monkeys. Phoenix was the closest thing to a monkey she could find.

He remembered her trying to put a collar and leash around his neck do that if he does fall, she could pull him back up. Phoenix didn't think Pearl had super-human strength. He was saved thanks to bad weather.

He remembered Pearl crying and swearing at the sky and weather. He was surprised to hear Pearl say those words but then, he knew where she learnt them from.

Educational movies.

Just then, the doorbell rang and interrupted Phoenix's thoughts.

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know, I'm not supposed to be writing during exams, but I love you all so much!! …Well, mostly because I was too stressed and needed something to do that does not require studying or much thinking. That's what happens to students who are given Biology and Chemistry exams to study for in one day… Anyways, I really need your help! My schoolmates had ganged up on me, calling me 'cute'. I blame my bald teacher for that… He influenced my seniors to call me cute! So I want all of you to do this: think of something disgusting, pretend it's me and say "Jasmine is not cute! Sandra is sooo cute!! " I don't like being called cute, so if you do that, I'll love you forever and review every story you write! If I forget to, just tell me and I'll leave a review~~ **

**Search for it on YouTube. It's so cute!!**

**PLEASE REVIEW AND CALL SANDRA CUTE!! …On second thoughts, the one who calls me cute most and tickles me half to death is Eunike… CALL BOTH HER AND SANSAN CUTE!! PLEASE!!**


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